That would be an amazingly fun skill to learn.
But only if I could flip-flop people back and forth at will between this life and the hereafter.
'Now youre dead -now, alive! Now dead. Still dead. Alive!'
Im afraid Id never leave the house again.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
NUMBER TWO REASON WHY I DIDNT GO SWIMMING TODAY
I didnt go swimming today because theres shit in the water.
Ive been reading that the Beach Office Authority issued a NO SWIMMING order for all local beaches due to 'overly high bacterial loads' -and even tho that sounds kinda kinky, what it actually means is that theres shit in the water. I know because hidden in the last paragraph of the article (where, by the way, little tip: anytime you wanna find the real truth of an article, just skip all the intro blahblahblah and all the body blahblah and go right for the next-to-last sentence. If you can read it right, its all there)... so... yeah... because hidden in the last paragraph of that very revealing article are the words 'fecal matter.'
Fecal matter.
Now, I dont know where you come from, but where I come from, thats shit.
If you think about it, of course theres shit in the ocean -thats where fish shit, thats where birds shit, and thats where we throw our own shit every time we get a chance. The deep blue sea has always been the worlds tidy bowl.
But the islands Beach Office Authority -who are they? what do they tell their spouses about their day at work? 'found some shit in the water again, dear, tell timmy not to go snorkeling.' These people found more shit than normal in the water, tho, much more. They found enough shit in the water to cause alarm.
Enough shit in the water to shut down all the beaches on the eastern coast. Every single one.
Experts quickly chorus that high bacterial loads in the water can cause ear and eye infections. And while my mind is mostly busy trying to avoid imagining having shit in my eye, it still manages to register shock when those geniuses at the Beach Office Authority reopen almost all beaches the next day.
Whered the poop go?
Lemme get this straight: yesterday, there was too much shit -not just an average load of shit in the water- but enough shit in the water that the threat of massive eye and ear and throat infections (the experts didnt mention that last one, no, the fuckers, but whatya think the ears are attached to, numbnuts?)... that the potential of international newscoverage of hordes of red, swollen, pus-filled tourists forced you to shut down the ocean at the countrys top summer destination the weekend before the biggest holiday of the year.
Yesterday there was an enormous amount of shit in the water.
And today, everythings fine? Start splashing around again?
Where did the fucking poop go?
Never mind, dont even tell me. I dont think I really wanna know what goes on backstage at the local BOA -its gotta be a shady place.
++++++++
Its been almost a week since the Beach Office Authority deemed the ocean 'SAFE FOR SWIMMING' again, and just in time for the long weekend, too. Thats convenient.
Needless to say, I havent been near the water since.
Im not terribly delicate, I dont think. Just like I dont think it overly cleanfreak of me to expect to swim in unpolluted waters everyday -or whenever my schedule allows, which, yeah, ok, isnt THAT often, but in any case, thats totally not the point here.
Today I stand at the waters edge, towel slung over my shoulder, goggles in my pocket, and I look out at the sun thats just risen above the horizon. A couple of japanese tourists swim in the ominous deep dark blue of the high tide -they never know any better.
I hope I do, so I turn around and go home, completely dry.
We are living in sorry times when the very waters of our planet make us ill. And until I can forget that for an hour or so, I wont go swimming today.
Ive been reading that the Beach Office Authority issued a NO SWIMMING order for all local beaches due to 'overly high bacterial loads' -and even tho that sounds kinda kinky, what it actually means is that theres shit in the water. I know because hidden in the last paragraph of the article (where, by the way, little tip: anytime you wanna find the real truth of an article, just skip all the intro blahblahblah and all the body blahblah and go right for the next-to-last sentence. If you can read it right, its all there)... so... yeah... because hidden in the last paragraph of that very revealing article are the words 'fecal matter.'
Fecal matter.
Now, I dont know where you come from, but where I come from, thats shit.
If you think about it, of course theres shit in the ocean -thats where fish shit, thats where birds shit, and thats where we throw our own shit every time we get a chance. The deep blue sea has always been the worlds tidy bowl.
But the islands Beach Office Authority -who are they? what do they tell their spouses about their day at work? 'found some shit in the water again, dear, tell timmy not to go snorkeling.' These people found more shit than normal in the water, tho, much more. They found enough shit in the water to cause alarm.
Enough shit in the water to shut down all the beaches on the eastern coast. Every single one.
Experts quickly chorus that high bacterial loads in the water can cause ear and eye infections. And while my mind is mostly busy trying to avoid imagining having shit in my eye, it still manages to register shock when those geniuses at the Beach Office Authority reopen almost all beaches the next day.
Whered the poop go?
Lemme get this straight: yesterday, there was too much shit -not just an average load of shit in the water- but enough shit in the water that the threat of massive eye and ear and throat infections (the experts didnt mention that last one, no, the fuckers, but whatya think the ears are attached to, numbnuts?)... that the potential of international newscoverage of hordes of red, swollen, pus-filled tourists forced you to shut down the ocean at the countrys top summer destination the weekend before the biggest holiday of the year.
Yesterday there was an enormous amount of shit in the water.
And today, everythings fine? Start splashing around again?
Where did the fucking poop go?
Never mind, dont even tell me. I dont think I really wanna know what goes on backstage at the local BOA -its gotta be a shady place.
++++++++
Its been almost a week since the Beach Office Authority deemed the ocean 'SAFE FOR SWIMMING' again, and just in time for the long weekend, too. Thats convenient.
Needless to say, I havent been near the water since.
Im not terribly delicate, I dont think. Just like I dont think it overly cleanfreak of me to expect to swim in unpolluted waters everyday -or whenever my schedule allows, which, yeah, ok, isnt THAT often, but in any case, thats totally not the point here.
Today I stand at the waters edge, towel slung over my shoulder, goggles in my pocket, and I look out at the sun thats just risen above the horizon. A couple of japanese tourists swim in the ominous deep dark blue of the high tide -they never know any better.
I hope I do, so I turn around and go home, completely dry.
We are living in sorry times when the very waters of our planet make us ill. And until I can forget that for an hour or so, I wont go swimming today.
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